Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Happiness in Marriage

God Designed and Instituted the Marriage Life in the Garden of Eden where first ever wedding took place. God is more interested in our Marriages than we are interested in.
Having a Happy and Healthy Family is a Dream of every man and woman who wants to get married. Without God who instituted the marriage institution, the foundation of the marriage life becomes shakeable.

Everyone in the world wants to be happy. Happiness is associated with peace. When we have peace in our hearts, we are happy. When we do not have peace, we are not happy.

To have peace, it all boils down to some fundamental values of loving, trusting, honestly, understanding, patience and the like.

Whether we may single or engaged or already has got a spouse, happiness is the quality in life that we all long for. Happiness is not accessed easily but one has to work for. To maintain happiness in life, one has to put an extra effort of self-control.

For example, to have my happiness, I have to understand a person. Having the understanding that people are different with different views and agendas in life will help us to discipline our heart from being hurt. A person’s strength might be weakness to me and my strength might be weakness to somebody.

To maintain my happiness, I have to be patience with a person. Being patient is being self-control. I do not expect people to be there for me all the time, neither be on my side nor agree to what I have. As I have said, my strengths can become weaknesses in other people’s eyes.

God's ways of getting People's Attention

It is so easy to control a computer in front of you. When your computer freezes, you can put the power off manually and computer will not talk back. However, it is quite hard to control people because they can talk back. You can not just put their switches off manually. You will Never!

But I found only one way. The only way we can get the attention of the people we have around in our life is to deal with them in God’s way. The God's ways are outlined in Galatians 5:22-23.

When we are being patient or gentle with the people, they can have convictions within themselves. They begin to be thankful or apologize for not only that you were being patient or gentle but they have learnt some important qualities from you.

One of the institutions throughout the world that is vulnerable and susceptible to sadness and unhappiness is the Marriage.

Love and Trust

The first quality that starts, sustains and stabilizes the marriage institution is the love.

One can come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. That was what God did when He sent Jesus for us. God loved us not that we were perfect but He saw us in His love, the imperfect people perfectly. Love is kind, love is patient, love is giving and the list goes on.

The second fundamental quality in the marriage institution is trust. If the trust is broken among the two married couples, it will take a long time to mend or it can never be mended.

Trust is the word I define as believing in a person that he/she should not do what is not supposed to be done and do what is supposed to be done. In other words, trust is seeing a person not close to your sight being honest and faithful.

Trust and Technology

Today, as the technology increases at an alarming rate, the means of communication makes easier. However, there are some inconveniences associated with Technology. Understanding these associated inconveniences will keep you from hurt and keep trusting your spouse.

I have counseled couple of married couples on this very issue. When the husband calls the wife on her mobile phone at her work place during the lunch hour, a voice of a man was heard. Or it might be the vice versa. A man or a woman who really trusts his/her spouse will come up with the following reasons instead of outlining negative outcomes.

- The mobile signal must have intercepted and signal was not good
- The mobile phone must have been stolen or misplaced or dropped

The possible ways the other spouse is to find out by calling her landline phone, or calling her colleagues if their numbers are known. However, most spouses fail on this and come up with negative ideas. The end result is the heated-up argument at home where there is no peace that leads to unhappiness.

It will also be the same when the two couples are chatting or sending emails through computers. We can expect inconvenience anytime with the increase of technology.

In these two scenarios, trust plays a vital role. No one told us that technology will improve our trust for each other. It only tests our trust even when communication is made so easy and possible.

If you can cultivate a greater understanding of the nature of your relationship, and focus on doing what you can to improve them rather than on the blame, you will be well ony your way to a world of greater peace and friendship for your happiness.

A Virtuous Wife
A value of a wife is more than countless of rubies. In the Book of Proverbs 31:10 says this. A married man is significantly more satisfied with his life when his wife becomes a wife of noble character and vice versa.

When God said ‘who can find a virtuous wife’ in Proverbs 31:10, He did not forget husbands either. Both the husband and wife are precious in His sight and He treats them on same basis.

We read in Proverbs 20:6 that ‘many men will proclaim his own goodness but who can find a faithful man. His children are blessed after him'.

Both the man and woman are needed to be found. And to ‘find', it involves a lot of processes which we will share next time. World's view of looking at a person is different from how God sees.
A Responsible Husband

In my view, when a woman is not yet married, they do concern and care about their future; whom they will marry, where they will live and how they will raise up their family. Woman wants her husband to be responsible, provide for her and the family and the husband is her guarantee of security.

A man sometimes thinks about marriage when he is still single but does not show deep concern.

But the opposite event takes place after the marriage. Man becomes a much more concern husband while the woman feels secured under the man's umbrella. But she works hand-in-hand and side-by-side with her husband.

The old saying that said “Be very careful in making a woman cry because God counts her tears. Woman came out from the man's rib:
- Not from the head to be superior
- Not from the feet to be stepped on
- But from the side to be equal
- Under the arm to be protected
- And at the heart's side to be loved

Know that most of the time, woman uses her heart to make decisions but man uses his mind to make decsions. I learnt that to handle things, we should use our minds but to handle people, we should use our hearts. And that is loving-caring is all about.
10 Golden Rules for Happy Marriages

1. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire, Ps 37:8.

2. Never both be angry at the same time. Soft answer turns away wrath. Sometimes silence is a powerful weapon to win the war, Provb 15:1.

3. It takes two to make a quarrel and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking. Be as united and live as one, Eph 4:2-3.

4. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate, Eph 5:33.

5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly, Matt 22:39.

6. Never bring up the mistakes of the past, Isa 43:18. Learn and build on those. Love records no wrong doings.

7. Neglect the whole world rather than each other and live up to the commitments and promises, Provb 18:24.

8. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. Tomorrow has got its own problems, Eph 4:26.

9. At least once everyday, try to say one kind word, or complimentary to your life’s partner, Titus 3:2.

10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it, apologize and ask for forgiveness. The other party has to accept the apology and ready to forgive and forget, Luke 6:37.
Recipe for a Happy Marriage

(i). Look at your actions in your marriage and make sure that they are congruent with what you say your intentions are. Spend enough time and energy on your relationship with your spouse.

(ii). Stop when you start to criticize your spouse, with words or even in your mind. Try to focus your thinking to what you like about your spouse and begin to see how your marriage gets better.

(iii). Sometimes do something kind for your spouse that you wouldn't normally do and without expectation of anything in return.

(iv). Look at what your spouse does for you and what they mean to you. Say a word of appreciation about it to your spouse. It might be something as simple as "I like your smile" or "Thank you for cooking dinner last night."
(v). Try to know and communicate with your spouse. Do not put off the communication line. Whether it's a desire to have more "dates" alone with your spouse, more romance, or more help around the house, the only way you'll get any of these things is to ask.

(vi). Try to figure out something about your spouse that always makes you angry or make you to always judge your spouse for saying or doing it. During one conversation, just listen to him/her without judging them with words or even in your mind. What did you discover?

(viii). Break the walls between you and your spouse. Try to examine what walls you've built to keep out your spouse. It might be that you "close down" and retrieve when there's conflict between the two of you. It might be that you are afraid to ask for what you want. Try to bring all these under a round-table of discussion.

Beatitudes of Happiness

(a). Blessed are the husband and wife who continue to be affectionate, considerate, and loving after the wedding bells have ceased ringing.

(b). Blessed are the husband and wife who are as polite and courteous toone another as they are to their friends.

(c). Blessed are they who love their mates more than any other person in the world, and who joyfully fulfill their marriage vow of a lifetime of fidelity and mutual helpfulness to one another.

(d). Blessed are they who attain parenthood, for children are a heritage of the Lord.

(e). Blessed are they who remember to thank God for their food before they partake of it, and who set apart some time each day for the reading of the Bible and for prayer.

(f). Blessed are those mates who never speak loudly to one another, and who make their home a place "where seldom is heard a discouraging word."

(g). Blessed are the husband and wife who faithfully attend the worship service of the church, and who work together in the church for the advancement of Christ's kingdom.

(h). Blessed are the husband and wife who can work out the problems of adjustment without interference from relatives.

(i). Blessed is the couple which has complete understanding about financial matters, and have worked out a perfect partnership, with all money under the control of both.

(j). Blessed are the husband and wife who humbly dedicate their lives and their homes to Christ, and who practice the teachings of Christ in the home by being unselfish, loyal and loving.

Hope you are blessed by this. Your comments are most welcome. Drop in a line on thjeffers@yahoo.com. God bless you and your marriage as you begin to abide under God's unfailing love. Amen!


  1. Hi Jeffers, Thank you for sharing.
    God Bless


    Lucy Doa

  2. Thank you brother,
    Lord bless

    Alex Abano
    Shenyang, China

  3. Hi Jeffers,
    Thank you for your interesting message
    i am very happy to read that

    M Tinganga

  4. Hi Marriage is very important institution ,devine and union only male and female based on ultimate interpersonal LOVE.

    Today's churches in the west and east are blessing homosexual marriage. god forbids that.

    Marit man na meri take care of your marriage bed,singles do not make flower love.

    Adultery and fornicators will sink to the bottom of Hell and burn forever.

    Thank you brother Jeffers for your very unique contribution to this issue. May God bless and protect those who are reading these messages.

  5. Hi Jeffers

    God loved us not that we were perfect but He saw us in His love, the imperfect people perfectly. I like the above sentence you mentioned

    Only few people have the heart to see an imperfect person perfectly and try to make a relationship work out during difficult and strained moments. These days, we are living life on the fast lane. Everything seems to have an expiry date beside it. The latest computer model you buy last year is out of date this year therefore you have get a new one to catch up with the rest of the world.

    That’s what happening in relationships as well. Yes, I agree with you, If a relationship becomes unfavourable at that moment, we just have to be patience and have more self control and try to work out where it has gone wrong and mend it rather then being impatience and rush onto another relationship. This world is full of imperfect people, there is no way we will ever find a perfect person. Starting a new relationship is not the answer of finding a perfect person.

    If we have a lot of people with the same ideology, then this world would have less broken hearted people.

    Thanks for sharing.

    PJV, PNG

  6. Bro,

    I tried to comment and post but it did not work out.

    Let me say this, you wrote a wonderful article for marriage as well as those who are still seeking.


    Timothy Kwara
    DTE Banz WHP

  7. Jeffers,
    excellent piece on your blog....richly blessed and encouraged...May it also be a blessing to other young people and married couples also. Georgy
    Light, POM

  8. Good job.
    Lord bless.
    It is very helpful for me to communicate with my GF as a guidance.
    Stephen Liu(Shenyang,China)

  9. Afternoon Bro,

    I was so blessed when I browsed your link http://thjeffers.blogspot.com today after skyping with u on Friday. Even though I was @ work today (Sunday) but I took about 4hrs reading and was really Blessed.

    Its TRUE that God has a plan for us. We can make our own plans but God has the last word. Also I was so blessed by ur testimonies. It does not rain all the time, a time will come when sun will really shine on u. Bro God has a plan for you.

    The words were very challenging and encouraging that really made ma day.


    Alemandi eteteo. Kamongome andakepyo nisalapyamo

    Mecklyn Karato
    Bank South Pacific
    Electronic Banking Service Delivery
    PO Box 78
    Port Moresby

    Papua New Guinea
    Phone: 3009675
    Fax: 3232526

  10. I'm still reading...I enjoyed the "advices" you gave about Marriage and relationships...thanks.

    Debbie Maraki